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click on author's photo to read the blog tags relating to the creative nonfiction breakaway; The Pattern Of Diagnosis.

2015052117212744484 - From The 2001 Archives

This is an older piece from 2001 that I was though to be lost -- it is titled Naperville and one of the first pieces over 3000 words. It had been revised for your reading pleasure as a free read as I am getting some stuff up on the blog where I can offer up some things to help pay the bills. Instead of paying for air like some writers complain about with e-books. Hard to believe it is 14 years since I wrote this. This should tie some over until my presentation of The Iliad is live. Donations are accepted on site though I prefer you, the reader grabbing some swag. My beliefs in this work are not as they are now but one thing is this; this will show you what I was like after an era -- this was a year after going to Canada and just returning from JournalCon 2001. This was when I felt that God really failed me at the time. 2006-2007 saw the beginnings how I returned to my faith but Ramsey Campbell's sense of truth is obscured. This is why street preachers hated to deal with me as this was an era of when I was burning tracts -- was I what they called a Christ-Hater? Enough bullshit this is on me; this one is from the archive as I found my old entries on Way Backmachine it's unique because it might be one of the second pieces to hit over 3000 words.

Naperville Revisited

It was the fall of 1997, when I was walking around in the Pavillian of Naperville, Illinois, I was there among a group of people who were also like-minded in the way of their thinking -- dark and ways are disturbed. In the area of the park which I would sometimes go while I was working at Catherine Manor for a person who was bound to wheelchair. One could not really say at the time with a mental illness what I was sick; but when I was at the Pavillian. I had crossed paths with a Christian couple. That in the words of one who would write such as what I do now would say at the state of mind I was -- the questions which are in the mind as they would give me the looks were that if I was going to an Assemblies of God church; why was I writing of things that would cast shadows of light among the eyes looking back among the crowds of ghostly pale. I am one who would see them as just another human being who has a deep mind and misunderstood thoughts which are written out on a printed page.
     It was a cold, crisp night when I was walking around in the downtown area -- a camera crew was there as well trying to capture the subcultures walking around at night, namely the ones who would go and role play after school or later in the night. That it would be there when I would of been confronted by the Christians that are there -- asking one why they wore black or read the writings of Anne Rice or played Vampire: The Masquerade. It would be this that would be in the mind that would be when they were asking me why I had read Edgar Allen Poe and H.P. Lovecraft when I was a Christian. Of them which are gathering among the shadows -- the pictures that would be in the mind would be from the memories of being confronted in a verbal inquisition by a former classmate who used to dress in short, revealing skirts to looking almost like an Amish woman with the modesty.
     It would be as in the mind about the dreams I had about the story that a friend of mine living in the manor related to me on why she was in the wheelchair -- the picture in the back of my mind of the x-ray of her spinal column with the bullet still there in the place. The back story behind it was what gave me the nightmares -- because she was driving in a car with her friends out in Virginia, and one of the neighborhoods she passed through felt something impale her neck and she could not feel anything past her neck. As she would describe this, felt as someone cut her head off from the rest of her body. The horror in the truth written out would be as she would still be awake through the whole nightmare writing out before her mind and eyes; horror growing out into the mind and reality as she would see that her body was numb and blood covered her seat where she was sitting.
     What I was able to see from the dreams written out from her story was that I was in the hospital as they were wheeling her in on a gurney -- the detail in the ER would be so graphic that one would wish to wake up but one is not able to. It would be as I was walking around in the halls with the bulle thole in the back of my neck where she had taken the wound. It would be as I was standing before their mind -- knowing inside that it would be in the horrors which would not be written in the eyes of those Christians looking at me in the eyes saying that I am throwing pearls before swine. From inside I could feel the numbness that would come from in her body -- though she was alive but everything around her was dead from the neck down. Faith in the words written in their dreams which it would be in the words that would be described as I am sitting here with this narrative.
      Understanding in their revelations which are there -- the questions begging for answers but getting none. Hellbound visions written in the darkness according to how I saw it from my eyes. Though the Christians at the Pavillian would try to see who would come and follow them blindly -- and run from the darkness that has so much tainted comfort. It would be among their thoughts that would be in the written record from what I would be as I sat in the Pavillian among the peers dressed in leather and vinyl while I would be the closest thing to looking like Kurt Cobain if he had black hair. It would be as the thoughts which are looking at them were looking with its long, black skinny and skeletal finger -- that it would be in their mind which the nightmare written out would be gospel truth. Coming in the eyes of a black revelation which is written out in my journal according to their words, an abomination to the word in being.
     The thoughts which are in the mind that are looking back at me -- Hellbound, and said that my name would be erased from their book of life. Erased because of the damnable thoughts written in the reprise of the mind drawing from the sirens song. In their dreams which are written would be in the walls of sleep which are not broken -- though it would be in the bride which they are waiting to be and never come. Which is within the dream which is written where I am walking among beings clad in black and flesh gray as stone. Nothing can ever be so darker in the vision but in the dream that I had about the woman who was shot in the neck but not able to walk for the rest of her days. When they would fall asleep and see the darkness growing in the sky -- it would be when they would begin to feel the numbness of the woman's bullet wound going into their spinal cord. It would be in the shadow of the eyes who is recording out the dream that would be from the one among the congregations dressed in black with lipstick colored to match the clothing.
      In their revelation, drawing out from the picture in the back of their mind -- during the autumn of 1997 that it would be in their thought patterns. From this would be what I had written in the journals of the time that I was in the Pavillian, that it would be from the horror in the memories drawn out from looking at Ms. Parre's x-ray -- the picture of the skull with the earrings in place still after they were not able to remove the bullets from in the spine. The words which are written from the autobiographical thoughts taken from inside the darker side of the mind -- that not even God would understand the horror within the written thoughts. As it would be in their words of this narrative and testimony on a written page -- that it would be their words saying that one should think on the pure and the lovely. It would be in the between the old Victorian houses that a psychotic bitch poisoned her children with the anti-depressants she was using for her illness -- yet it was in the word written among the journalists would be the creation of the urban myth that would be of this gothic tale written out.
     In their nightmares which is told in their eyes -- that it would be as I would write it out as a page of a narrative telling out as it is said. In their world and twisted forms of logic -- that it would be in their horrors which would be from the fear of God which would try to make each person they meet a replica, that it would be from in their ways of looking at the dark from the eyes of the light. Taught to run away before they take the time to understand what is like to look at the light from the dark. Questions from in their sleep when the dreams come to them in form of nightmares of sitting weeks in the hospitals; when they had taken careful time to run the razor blades across their arms to see which is true and gospel truth.
     From in the eyes of the storyteller, that it would be when they could feel the touch of darkness coming as a form of horrors they were never said to see. From it would be from the story given to me by Ms. Parre, of what would be the nightmares after seeing what she had gone through -- losing her ability to walk forever, when she would see everything around her that is known had come to die. From this would be written the testimony that is in the nightmares and dreams at the time when I was walking many night-falls in the Pavillian among the ones who are forlorned and haunted as the writer of the narrative -- that it would be among the company of shadows and beings clad in black that would be in the writing I am doing here, as I am in the thoughts of the time that would be among them in the congregations who are shunned. That in Naperville, Illinois, it would be the thoughts written out which would only appear as nightmares within a dream; the words which are documented in the thoughts which are behind closed doors.
     Outside their world which is left behind, asking that for God to save them from the horrors in the revelations within the sleep which they are seeing before their eyes -- written out as an urban myth before their eyes. From the words that I would record from the dream -- that it would be coming from the thoughts that would be there from the fall of 1997; the beating words and numbing prayers. Writing this as I would see it from the eyes of the one who would be beneath the hospital walls -- small spaces had giving me a sharp sense of horror crawling in the mind. From it would be written in the mind of the writer from Providence -- the titanic of nightmares scrawled out after describing what is anything. Anything -- it is the description of either hope or horror of unimaginable natures that should not even be written according to the preachings of those who patron a place of worship. Even when they seek the sanctuary -- it would be in their sleep the nightmares written out would play slowly in their mind as they would try to run from what would be shimmering by the light of the moon which is in the waning phase.
   *  What would be in their dreams when they had visit the Pavillian -- only to see what is in their souls and bitter minds walking among the beings of grayish skin and black garments. As they would walk around as vampires in the night -- when they would stand in the dark awhile. It would be in the dreams which are written among them -- that the horrors which are beyond any description which they would say that they would die only watching. From this would be in Naperville, Illinois, the month is September and the year 1997 -- from it would be while sitting in the Pavillian of the river-walk on the cold autumn into winter nights, that it would be in the minds which I would still see myself there even now when I had gone there. Revisiting the place which the bridge appears out of the story of Icabod Crane; such a story would play out in the imagination of a gothic mind. It would be written that in the eyes of one who is writing out this journal -- seeing Naperville in the light that I had seen it in being the gothic cornerstone of Illinois while Wheaton is the Vatican of Protestants. From in the end which is seen from in a revelation -- that in the dreams which is seen from the eyes of Ms. Parre, the one who can see but the rest of her is not able to move.
     From in the thoughts and nightmares that are in the documented narrative -- that it would be in the eyes of those who would see the dreams as they are from the memories of a borderline. It would be in the nightmares of the Christian couple who would be trying to convert those dressed in black and skin grey as the stones in a cemetery. From it would be in their eyes when they would try to preach and convert -- they would see that they are afraid of what would be in their nightmares and dreams dancing among the shadows. Among the dark revelations penned it would be seen from the shadows casting on the light of the waxing moon within the city of Naperville, Illinois. From this when they would lay their head down to sleep, they try to block out the nightmares which are written out in their head -- that when they would be dreaming, the dream would play out in their mind as they would walk among them in the cemetery. In the dreams which are spoken and recorded as a gospel -- a revelation of sorts when looking for the words to pen in such a way that would not be an abominational terror; though the pictures would be drawn out in a way that is beyond anything that one can bring out into the realms of a religious imagination.
      It is written among the gospels and the law that one had died in their place but the nightmares would be written of the horror everlasting. Inside the dreams which are written among the Christian couple and the dark scribe -- it would be among the shadow which is cast upon their dreams in the light of the waning moon, in the eyes of the cancer growing in their sleep. Into the void which will be in the nightmares descending into their shared sleep -- not even their prayers to the empty skies can protect them from the horrors seen through the eyes of Ms. Parre. When they shield themselves with a leather bond bible given to them by the congregations -- it would be when the black finger points back at them. Day in the dream turned into night because they realize they are not among the pews anymore -- within the horror which is in the mind of the ones who are no longer walking or those who are buried before their time.
     Waiting as the dream continues to play out -- it takes them to where the bridge in the River-walk Park, when the moon glistens on the black water. It is when they would continue to walk hand in hand with their Bible tucked beneath their arms when they would see more of a congregation dressed in black and flesh being grey as stone from a church yard weathered for years. It would be in the dark glisten which is in the cold autumn night on the streets of Naperville when the cold grows with the winds blows from the skies of Norse dreams. From this would be from they would try to pray for the dream to end but only when it would be in darkness it would transcend. It would be when the wind and rain taking them into the places which they could not begin to document.
     It would be where it would take them to the glowing tomb which would be in the center of the cemetery that would stare back at them in a way which they would not want to begin to describe. Horrors of what would be only worded in the sense that in when they deny their faith -- that it would be when the flames grow higher still. From which I would be looking back at them in the park but they would not see or hear me -- nor would they see me as I am writing out the details of their dream shared with the nightmares from Ms. Parre's story. From the thoughts that would be in their mind -- waiting for it to end or draw to where the light would be; only to see there is no light at the end or even shadows of light. That I would see them, I as the narrator who sees them through the mirror as the form of their reflection -- haunting how it would be as the fear looking back in the mirror is using their own eyes.
      Coming into the eyes which would see beyond this place -- all around the nightmares in the pagan tomb. From what we see, the nightmares within a darkened soul -- that it would be in the light growing dimmer in the sleeping mind. When it would be among the prayers that are not spoken with a voice -- among their dreams which in their thoughts are pure; that in the blacker eyes which see the nightmares before them. It would be ruling their world -- and the dreams which would be in the eyes written out on the pages of the one sitting in the Pavillian. When they would close their eyes -- staring in the dark from inside their eyelids. This would be as I would sit there watching them from the shadows of their blackest dream. A testimony within a revelation; while the horror appears before their eyes as they would stand beyond the wall of sleep.
     Which it would be seen from the darkly stained bridge crossing the Du Page River. When they would see the congregations of grey- skinned beings clad in black garments. It is when they would close their eyes they would see the city which is beyond the walls of sleep and that would be in form of the city, Naperville, Illinois. Standing in the darker paranoia which is in their dreams and the soul watching them as they would close their eyes to dream. From this it would be written from their eyes of how hell is -- the nightmares which had been related to me by Ms. Parre, as would be she would feel from the neck down dead and the only thing alive would be her head and seeing the rest of her body die before her eyes. From their tossing and turning in their sleep, the horror would be in their head waiting -- the question of the sound mind would be in the eyes of the one who had taken the narrative into document.
     Madness would be in the mind during the shadows of time, in the eyes which would close to dream. It would be in the thoughts which are written out in the eyes looking back at them -- when in the mirror they would see the blood flowing from a wound which had been made from a steel object. A steel object which leaves them to the point of nothing but a vegetable laying in bed -- not responsive to the world but alive, yet closer to death and praying for the doctors to slowly pull the plug at Central Du Page Hospital. In their nightmares writing out -- that it would be in their mind which has not kept a prayer for the closer to the deceased. From their nightmare thoughts looking back at them as they would sleep -- it would be through the eyes of the ones wearing the black clothing and skin the color of stone. In the nightmares that are written that it would be in the mind of those who had been among the living during the fall of 1997.


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